To the members of Boy Scout Troop 1:
My husband and I are the parents of two young boys, one of whom is an infant fond of screaming at the top of his lungs and passing gas loudly during the church service. His behavior requires us to sit in the narthex, away from the sensitive ears of God's Frozen Chosen. Thus it was that we were witness today to the inappropriate and incredibly disturbing acts of two of your young scouts.
I suggest that, in the future, if you plan to grope the breasts of the lovely, life-size "Rejoice in the Lord" statue in the courtyard, in broad daylight and in full view of anyone from the congregation who may be gazing outside, that you at least have the common decency to first remove your neckerchief, for heaven's sake. You cannot commit such an offense and then ask me to buy popcorn from you after church.